Confused

September 26th, 2011

[Verse 1:]
I want you to know that when I leave
It'll be the last you'll ever see of me
I tried so damn hard to fix you
To make you believe in what I see

If you wanna be broken, be broken
I won't dare try to mend you again
I've tried my best to get through
But there's no getting in

[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote

[Verse 2:]
I tell myself that this time
Something's gonna change
That you'll look into my eyes
And your heart will fall in place

Well you need space
Darling, you're such a headache
I'm not sure
How much I can take

[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote

[Bridge:]
Drop everything baby
The bottle is calling
Whoa, you're sinking
Fall down, pass out
No you can't feel a thing
And if you start to honey
Just keep drinking

[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote

[Bridge:]
Drop everything baby
The bottle is calling
Whoa, you're sinking (sinking)
Fall down, pass out
No you can't feel a thing
And if you start to honey
Just keep drinking

This song is by Ally Cupcake, and it's my song for my ex Mat Skordrud. He's been on my mind an awful lot lately. And to be quite honest, I don't know why. I met him back the end of July, we met online and talked for a few weeks. Well about August 6th or so, him and his mom came and picked me and Trevor up, and we went back to Louisa with them. Me and Mat instantly connected on what I thought was a higher level. Everything was so perfect, and his family loved me and Trevor. Well to make a long story short, me and Trevor ended up staying a week, and definitely over stayed our welcome. We went home exactly a week later. The next day, Mat broke up with me cuz he thought I was a really bad parent. I should probably mention that Mat has some pretty bad anger issues. During the course of our week there, Mat would get frustrated with work or pissed at his family, and would take it out on me. Verbally, emotionally, and unfortunately physically. But since we already said " I love you" and he said he really meant it, I just ignored it, and just turned the other cheek. Anyways, after we broke up, I hooked up with his best friend Corey, which Mat didn't like too much, even though he was already dating someone new. So needless to say, I had to block both Mats and Coreys number. But lately, I've been thinking about Matt alot lately, wondering how he's doing. And how his children, Miley and Wyatt are doing. I miss his children more than I miss him, which I think is kinda sad. They're gorgeous. I would've loved to have been able to be their "mom". I had a dream about Mat the other night, and in my dream, I left my current boyfriend, who's name is also Matt, for the other Mat. The other Mat apologized for everything in my dream and gave me a huge kiss and hug. Idk why I'm putting my dream on here, but I don't wanna forget it, so I figured I'd write it down.

Welcome to Heartbreak Hotel

Today is Wednesday, September 14th. The past few months, me and Chris have been talking on a regular basis. We had been talking about trying to work on our marriage when he came home this month for court. I was on the fence about the whole ordeal, but at the same time, I wanted him back more than anything. So I decided ok, well if we can get along and not fight hardly at all, then maybe we can work on our marriage and finally be a couple. So court was on Monday, September 12th. Chris never showed up, and turns out, he brought his gf up to VA with him. (He lives with her in GA) So I never heard from him Monday. Well Tuesday morning he texted me while I was at work, and said he was planning on coming to see me that day. So I told him ok, and as soon as I got home from work, he was already at my apartment, waiting in his car. So I got Trevor out of the car and went over to him. Trevor took right to him, and Chris seemed to be happy to see Trev. Well we let Trev play in the front seat of his car, while we stood outside it and smoked and talked. After about 30ish minutes I took Trevor back inside, and me and Chris went and sat in his car. We smoked some more and talked more and stuff, we talked about our marriage and what went wrong and stuff. What each of us would have to change about ourselves to make our marriage work. Well next thing I know, we're making out in his car. And he's feeding me all this bullshit all over again, all while his gf is back at his parents house waiting for him, while he's sucking face with me. One thing led to another, and next thing I know, we're having sex in his car. I was actually having sex with my husband after about a year and a half almost. So he brought me home, and said he would come by today for the day, and that he would text me when he got home. Well needless to say, I haven't heard from him since, which breaks my heart. I feel like I'm back at square one. Being without him had started to get just a tad bit easier for me cuz it had been so long. But now, now I'm back where I started:/ So today I called him, after texting him a shit ton and him not even replying, and I told him that he needs to leave me and my heart alone. That he's fucked me over one too many times. And I told him not to contact me ever again, and that I was deleting his number, which I did. So now I'm stuck bawling my eyes out:( **Heartbroken**