My dearest Chris

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know what we had was real. And if some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Kayla



Now I know I stole this from the notebook, but it kinda fits.

Just one of those days

Today, is yet another day that I feel like shit. Chris has been on my mind since I woke up this morning, this just isn't getting any easier. I'm ready for the hurt to stop, the agonizing pain in my heart, that never seems to cease. It's pain from knowing that I didn't just lose my husband, but I also lost my best friend. We had spent for the most part every single day (with the exception of boot camp, AIT, and him going to korea) together. It's funny, I keep thinking of this one thing that his mother said to me when Chris first left me. She said "Chris used to ignore everything that I wanted, just to make you happy. He would sneak out, lie about working, just so he could see you and spend more time with you. He worshipped the ground you walked on, even when he left for Korea, he still did" She then told me this story, about when Chris was home from boot camp for Xmas, we were all at Five Below. I was looking around by myself, and I didn't notice any of this. Chris' mom told me that this one lady was talking to Chris, and thanking him for his service, and she asked him how he got through all of it, being away from everyone. He said "Well I have the love and support of my family." Then he pointed to me, and said "And that girl right there, my wife, she's supported me more than anyone, and has stuck by my side through everything, I don't know where I would be without her" Those words are forever burned in my mind. But it's funny, cuz he "worshipped" the ground I walked on when he left...so what changed?? I just became a nothing to him? The past almost three years all of a sudden meant nothing? We've been through everything together, and now it's all just over. It doesn't seem real, and it probably never will. We never even got a chance to act and be like a family, let alone a married couple. We got married on December 21, 2009, and about a week later he went back to AIT. Then we went to his graduation February 17, 2010. He came home for two weeks and that was it. I had to send my husband 7000 miles away without me. That right there was enough to kill me. After a year of marriage, we had spent a total of 5 weeks together. I hadn't seen my husband since June 2010, before he left me in October 2010 (I realized it was October, not September) What kind of a marriage is that?? What makes her so much better than me?? I have so mny questions that are gonna continue to be unanswered. I feel like I'm physically dying inside. I wonder if it's possible to die from utter heartbreak. I bet if you were to look inside me right now, you'd see my heart shattered into a bajillion pieces. I know that's not possible, but that's certainly how it feels. I just wish he would apologize for everything and come back to me. I think that if he was to come back, then yes, I really would take him back, just to be able to say we tried. That we didn't just give up cuz we were scared and hurt by the distance. I just want my husband, more than anything
The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it's over.

Change

Todays date is May 6, 2011. So much has changed the past year. I became a mom April 19, 2010. And thought I was happily married until my husband left me September 2010. I was completely blindsided by this. Sure we fought, but who doesn't? And the distance just made it that much harder. There was literally 7000 miles between us, I counted. Plus, it's much easier to fight about the littlest things, then actually sit there and miss someone and be miserable. So I have now been separated for 8 months. Time sure does fly by. My baby boy turned one, and my husband has a new gf, who's well let's just say, alot younger than me. So I can officially file for divorce in September, and if things go according to plan, then I should be officially divorced in March of 2012. I have to say, my life down right sucks right now. I am NOT happy in the least bit, I wish I was, cuz I still have my little boy. And it's like, how can you be lonely when you have your son right here? But I am, I am still very lonely. I feel bad, My son isn't gonna have a daddy growing up, Chris doesn't think about the fact that I'M the one that has to explain to him when he's older why his daddy left, and why he lives in a broken home. That kills me tht I have to do that. I always had this picture in my head about what it would be like when I had kids and such. I pictured one day, my son or daughter would ask me about love, and my first love, and I would just get to point over to the couch at my husband (Chris) and be like, "your daddy, that man right over there, was your mommys first love, he was your mommy's first everything" But that's not gonna happen. And now I'll have to pull out old pictures, from "the box" (a huge box that I keep everything in that reminds me of Chris) And show them everything. Pictures, ticket stubs, concert tickets, things he bought me, everything. This all just breaks my heart. And ya know, it's funny. Cuz I actually talked to Chris' new gf Madison. I only talked to her cuz she said she doesn't like having enemies and she wanted us to call a truce. I was like REALLY?!? YOU'RE DATING MY HUSBAND YET YOU WANNA CALL A TRUCE WITH ME????!!!? That's sooo messed up! And I explained to her that we're still married and whatnot, and just how much this is hurting me and how much this is gonna hurt Trevor when he's older. Then, she asked me the dumbest, most selfish question ever. These were her exact words..."Would you be mad or upset if I decided to still stay with him, even after you telling me all this?" My jaw dropped and I hung up the phone, I realized that no matter what I said or did, this girl was gonna continue to see my husband and break apart my family. There's no way I can stop it. And I realized just how selfish people really are. Anyways. That's enough for now, seeing as no one will read this anyways.