Just one of those days

Today, is yet another day that I feel like shit. Chris has been on my mind since I woke up this morning, this just isn't getting any easier. I'm ready for the hurt to stop, the agonizing pain in my heart, that never seems to cease. It's pain from knowing that I didn't just lose my husband, but I also lost my best friend. We had spent for the most part every single day (with the exception of boot camp, AIT, and him going to korea) together. It's funny, I keep thinking of this one thing that his mother said to me when Chris first left me. She said "Chris used to ignore everything that I wanted, just to make you happy. He would sneak out, lie about working, just so he could see you and spend more time with you. He worshipped the ground you walked on, even when he left for Korea, he still did" She then told me this story, about when Chris was home from boot camp for Xmas, we were all at Five Below. I was looking around by myself, and I didn't notice any of this. Chris' mom told me that this one lady was talking to Chris, and thanking him for his service, and she asked him how he got through all of it, being away from everyone. He said "Well I have the love and support of my family." Then he pointed to me, and said "And that girl right there, my wife, she's supported me more than anyone, and has stuck by my side through everything, I don't know where I would be without her" Those words are forever burned in my mind. But it's funny, cuz he "worshipped" the ground I walked on when he left...so what changed?? I just became a nothing to him? The past almost three years all of a sudden meant nothing? We've been through everything together, and now it's all just over. It doesn't seem real, and it probably never will. We never even got a chance to act and be like a family, let alone a married couple. We got married on December 21, 2009, and about a week later he went back to AIT. Then we went to his graduation February 17, 2010. He came home for two weeks and that was it. I had to send my husband 7000 miles away without me. That right there was enough to kill me. After a year of marriage, we had spent a total of 5 weeks together. I hadn't seen my husband since June 2010, before he left me in October 2010 (I realized it was October, not September) What kind of a marriage is that?? What makes her so much better than me?? I have so mny questions that are gonna continue to be unanswered. I feel like I'm physically dying inside. I wonder if it's possible to die from utter heartbreak. I bet if you were to look inside me right now, you'd see my heart shattered into a bajillion pieces. I know that's not possible, but that's certainly how it feels. I just wish he would apologize for everything and come back to me. I think that if he was to come back, then yes, I really would take him back, just to be able to say we tried. That we didn't just give up cuz we were scared and hurt by the distance. I just want my husband, more than anything
The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it's over.