Change

Todays date is May 6, 2011. So much has changed the past year. I became a mom April 19, 2010. And thought I was happily married until my husband left me September 2010. I was completely blindsided by this. Sure we fought, but who doesn't? And the distance just made it that much harder. There was literally 7000 miles between us, I counted. Plus, it's much easier to fight about the littlest things, then actually sit there and miss someone and be miserable. So I have now been separated for 8 months. Time sure does fly by. My baby boy turned one, and my husband has a new gf, who's well let's just say, alot younger than me. So I can officially file for divorce in September, and if things go according to plan, then I should be officially divorced in March of 2012. I have to say, my life down right sucks right now. I am NOT happy in the least bit, I wish I was, cuz I still have my little boy. And it's like, how can you be lonely when you have your son right here? But I am, I am still very lonely. I feel bad, My son isn't gonna have a daddy growing up, Chris doesn't think about the fact that I'M the one that has to explain to him when he's older why his daddy left, and why he lives in a broken home. That kills me tht I have to do that. I always had this picture in my head about what it would be like when I had kids and such. I pictured one day, my son or daughter would ask me about love, and my first love, and I would just get to point over to the couch at my husband (Chris) and be like, "your daddy, that man right over there, was your mommys first love, he was your mommy's first everything" But that's not gonna happen. And now I'll have to pull out old pictures, from "the box" (a huge box that I keep everything in that reminds me of Chris) And show them everything. Pictures, ticket stubs, concert tickets, things he bought me, everything. This all just breaks my heart. And ya know, it's funny. Cuz I actually talked to Chris' new gf Madison. I only talked to her cuz she said she doesn't like having enemies and she wanted us to call a truce. I was like REALLY?!? YOU'RE DATING MY HUSBAND YET YOU WANNA CALL A TRUCE WITH ME????!!!? That's sooo messed up! And I explained to her that we're still married and whatnot, and just how much this is hurting me and how much this is gonna hurt Trevor when he's older. Then, she asked me the dumbest, most selfish question ever. These were her exact words..."Would you be mad or upset if I decided to still stay with him, even after you telling me all this?" My jaw dropped and I hung up the phone, I realized that no matter what I said or did, this girl was gonna continue to see my husband and break apart my family. There's no way I can stop it. And I realized just how selfish people really are. Anyways. That's enough for now, seeing as no one will read this anyways.