great big book of everything (:

Confused

2011-09-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

September 26th, 2011

[Verse 1:]
I want you to know that when I leave
It'll be the last you'll ever see of me
I tried so damn hard to fix you
To make you believe in what I see

If you wanna be broken, be broken
I won't dare try to mend you again
I've tried my best to get through
But there's no getting in

[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote

[Verse 2:]
I tell myself that this time
Something's gonna change
That you'll look into my eyes
And your heart will fall in place

Well you need space
Darling, you're such a headache
I'm not sure
How much I can take

[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote

[Bridge:]
Drop everything baby
The bottle is calling
Whoa, you're sinking
Fall down, pass out
No you can't feel a thing
And if you start to honey
Just keep drinking

[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote

[Bridge:]
Drop everything baby
The bottle is calling
Whoa, you're sinking (sinking)
Fall down, pass out
No you can't feel a thing
And if you start to honey
Just keep drinking

This song is by Ally Cupcake, and it's my song for my ex Mat Skordrud. He's been on my mind an awful lot lately. And to be quite honest, I don't know why. I met him back the end of July, we met online and talked for a few weeks. Well about August 6th or so, him and his mom came and picked me and Trevor up, and we went back to Louisa with them. Me and Mat instantly connected on what I thought was a higher level. Everything was so perfect, and his family loved me and Trevor. Well to make a long story short, me and Trevor ended up staying a week, and definitely over stayed our welcome. We went home exactly a week later. The next day, Mat broke up with me cuz he thought I was a really bad parent. I should probably mention that Mat has some pretty bad anger issues. During the course of our week there, Mat would get frustrated with work or pissed at his family, and would take it out on me. Verbally, emotionally, and unfortunately physically. But since we already said " I love you" and he said he really meant it, I just ignored it, and just turned the other cheek. Anyways, after we broke up, I hooked up with his best friend Corey, which Mat didn't like too much, even though he was already dating someone new. So needless to say, I had to block both Mats and Coreys number. But lately, I've been thinking about Matt alot lately, wondering how he's doing. And how his children, Miley and Wyatt are doing. I miss his children more than I miss him, which I think is kinda sad. They're gorgeous. I would've loved to have been able to be their "mom". I had a dream about Mat the other night, and in my dream, I left my current boyfriend, who's name is also Matt, for the other Mat. The other Mat apologized for everything in my dream and gave me a huge kiss and hug. Idk why I'm putting my dream on here, but I don't wanna forget it, so I figured I'd write it down.

Welcome to Heartbreak Hotel

2011-09-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday, September 14th. The past few months, me and Chris have been talking on a regular basis. We had been talking about trying to work on our marriage when he came home this month for court. I was on the fence about the whole ordeal, but at the same time, I wanted him back more than anything. So I decided ok, well if we can get along and not fight hardly at all, then maybe we can work on our marriage and finally be a couple. So court was on Monday, September 12th. Chris never showed up, and turns out, he brought his gf up to VA with him. (He lives with her in GA) So I never heard from him Monday. Well Tuesday morning he texted me while I was at work, and said he was planning on coming to see me that day. So I told him ok, and as soon as I got home from work, he was already at my apartment, waiting in his car. So I got Trevor out of the car and went over to him. Trevor took right to him, and Chris seemed to be happy to see Trev. Well we let Trev play in the front seat of his car, while we stood outside it and smoked and talked. After about 30ish minutes I took Trevor back inside, and me and Chris went and sat in his car. We smoked some more and talked more and stuff, we talked about our marriage and what went wrong and stuff. What each of us would have to change about ourselves to make our marriage work. Well next thing I know, we're making out in his car. And he's feeding me all this bullshit all over again, all while his gf is back at his parents house waiting for him, while he's sucking face with me. One thing led to another, and next thing I know, we're having sex in his car. I was actually having sex with my husband after about a year and a half almost. So he brought me home, and said he would come by today for the day, and that he would text me when he got home. Well needless to say, I haven't heard from him since, which breaks my heart. I feel like I'm back at square one. Being without him had started to get just a tad bit easier for me cuz it had been so long. But now, now I'm back where I started:/ So today I called him, after texting him a shit ton and him not even replying, and I told him that he needs to leave me and my heart alone. That he's fucked me over one too many times. And I told him not to contact me ever again, and that I was deleting his number, which I did. So now I'm stuck bawling my eyes out:( **Heartbroken**

My dearest Chris

2011-05-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know what we had was real. And if some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Kayla

Now I know I stole this from the notebook, but it kinda fits.

Just one of those days

2011-05-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

Today, is yet another day that I feel like shit. Chris has been on my mind since I woke up this morning, this just isn't getting any easier. I'm ready for the hurt to stop, the agonizing pain in my heart, that never seems to cease. It's pain from knowing that I didn't just lose my husband, but I also lost my best friend. We had spent for the most part every single day (with the exception of boot camp, AIT, and him going to korea) together. It's funny, I keep thinking of this one thing that his mother said to me when Chris first left me. She said "Chris used to ignore everything that I wanted, just to make you happy. He would sneak out, lie about working, just so he could see you and spend more time with you. He worshipped the ground you walked on, even when he left for Korea, he still did" She then told me this story, about when Chris was home from boot camp for Xmas, we were all at Five Below. I was looking around by myself, and I didn't notice any of this. Chris' mom told me that this one lady was talking to Chris, and thanking him for his service, and she asked him how he got through all of it, being away from everyone. He said "Well I have the love and support of my family." Then he pointed to me, and said "And that girl right there, my wife, she's supported me more than anyone, and has stuck by my side through everything, I don't know where I would be without her" Those words are forever burned in my mind. But it's funny, cuz he "worshipped" the ground I walked on when he left...so what changed?? I just became a nothing to him? The past almost three years all of a sudden meant nothing? We've been through everything together, and now it's all just over. It doesn't seem real, and it probably never will. We never even got a chance to act and be like a family, let alone a married couple. We got married on December 21, 2009, and about a week later he went back to AIT. Then we went to his graduation February 17, 2010. He came home for two weeks and that was it. I had to send my husband 7000 miles away without me. That right there was enough to kill me. After a year of marriage, we had spent a total of 5 weeks together. I hadn't seen my husband since June 2010, before he left me in October 2010 (I realized it was October, not September) What kind of a marriage is that?? What makes her so much better than me?? I have so mny questions that are gonna continue to be unanswered. I feel like I'm physically dying inside. I wonder if it's possible to die from utter heartbreak. I bet if you were to look inside me right now, you'd see my heart shattered into a bajillion pieces. I know that's not possible, but that's certainly how it feels. I just wish he would apologize for everything and come back to me. I think that if he was to come back, then yes, I really would take him back, just to be able to say we tried. That we didn't just give up cuz we were scared and hurt by the distance. I just want my husband, more than anything
The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it's over.

Change

2011-05-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

Todays date is May 6, 2011. So much has changed the past year. I became a mom April 19, 2010. And thought I was happily married until my husband left me September 2010. I was completely blindsided by this. Sure we fought, but who doesn't? And the distance just made it that much harder. There was literally 7000 miles between us, I counted. Plus, it's much easier to fight about the littlest things, then actually sit there and miss someone and be miserable. So I have now been separated for 8 months. Time sure does fly by. My baby boy turned one, and my husband has a new gf, who's well let's just say, alot younger than me. So I can officially file for divorce in September, and if things go according to plan, then I should be officially divorced in March of 2012. I have to say, my life down right sucks right now. I am NOT happy in the least bit, I wish I was, cuz I still have my little boy. And it's like, how can you be lonely when you have your son right here? But I am, I am still very lonely. I feel bad, My son isn't gonna have a daddy growing up, Chris doesn't think about the fact that I'M the one that has to explain to him when he's older why his daddy left, and why he lives in a broken home. That kills me tht I have to do that. I always had this picture in my head about what it would be like when I had kids and such. I pictured one day, my son or daughter would ask me about love, and my first love, and I would just get to point over to the couch at my husband (Chris) and be like, "your daddy, that man right over there, was your mommys first love, he was your mommy's first everything" But that's not gonna happen. And now I'll have to pull out old pictures, from "the box" (a huge box that I keep everything in that reminds me of Chris) And show them everything. Pictures, ticket stubs, concert tickets, things he bought me, everything. This all just breaks my heart. And ya know, it's funny. Cuz I actually talked to Chris' new gf Madison. I only talked to her cuz she said she doesn't like having enemies and she wanted us to call a truce. I was like REALLY?!? YOU'RE DATING MY HUSBAND YET YOU WANNA CALL A TRUCE WITH ME????!!!? That's sooo messed up! And I explained to her that we're still married and whatnot, and just how much this is hurting me and how much this is gonna hurt Trevor when he's older. Then, she asked me the dumbest, most selfish question ever. These were her exact words..."Would you be mad or upset if I decided to still stay with him, even after you telling me all this?" My jaw dropped and I hung up the phone, I realized that no matter what I said or did, this girl was gonna continue to see my husband and break apart my family. There's no way I can stop it. And I realized just how selfish people really are. Anyways. That's enough for now, seeing as no one will read this anyways.

2010-03-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

i havent written in here in forever. its been over a year since.
alot of things have changed since then. im currently married, and have been since december 21,2009.

and im currently expecting a son april 22,2010.
my husband is an MP in the army, and is stationed in south korea.

im hoping to go over there about 4 weeks after the babys born. the only thing that really sucks is that chris wont be here for the birth of our first son, its heartbreaking.
and we now found out that the hospital that im giving birth at doesnt allow you to record the birth, in case something goes wrong.
its very upsetting.
anyways.

eh

2009-01-20T11:21:00.000-08:00

ive pretty much lost my 2 best friends since i last wrote in here://
pretty much the only person i have left is my boyfriend;;
well now fiance<3

friends<33

2008-11-09T17:34:00.001-08:00

ive come to realize,
that i have some of the best friends, that i could ever ask for.
sure, we get in some small fights, but they never ever last long.
i dont know what i would do if i didnt have them in my life.
here are the reasons i live;;

my boyfriend obviously

my best friend lillayy jackson [:

and my future wife<33

the boyfriendddd <33

2008-09-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER BARKER!<3

this is my amazing boyfriend chriss <3
we've been together for almost a month now and its been stellar so far. (:
i love how i was never able to be myself around someone before but with him its totally different!
we act so goofy, and theres never a moment where we're not laughing.
i mean yeah, sure, we've had a couple of little arguements...
but theyre always resovled within 5 minutes, and made better with a kiss
i love it when he comes over and all we do is sit on the couch watching a movie while just holding eachother tight.

i love it when we walk and hold hands, and when he lets me play with his fingers.
&&i absolutely L.O.V.E it when he lets me play with his hair, and put it up in pigtails (:

hes also an amazing singer/guitarist/pianist/drummer.
hes simply an all around amazing guy,
and i look forward to many more months with him (: <3

ive realized...

2008-07-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

im ready for my battle to end.
this has been going on for wayyyyy too long.
over 3 years to be exact.
i dont wanna be this way anymore.
i dont wanna have to try and hide my scars
and lie to people when they ask me about them..
theyre are unbearably noticeable,
and i have to look at them everyday.
all they do is remind me of how much ive been through over the past couple years.
all the hurt, abuse, neglect.
then looking at those and thinking about that makes me want to do it even more..
this needs to end right here, right now.
no more cutting.
no more addiction.
no more depression,
i wanna be happy for once.
i wanna go back to how it was when i was a little kid.
not a care in the world.
everything was perfect.
i just want this to end!

hi (:

2008-07-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

hmmmm
well this is my very first post,
and im nawt really sure of what to put. (:
hmmmm.
hehe.
well byeeee (:
<3